I had all good intentions on re invigorating this blog and writing up something about the weird and wonderful of my life but this last week has been very dark, a few days ago I struggled to see any light what so ever…
Sometime in the middle of this year I experienced what is commonly refered to as Diabetes burnout and at this time I sort the professional help of a psychologist, 2 sessions and a lot of emotions later I came out with a fresh persepective on life and a new management process, problem is we are creatures of habit and my old habits and thoughts gradually crept back in.
What added to the frustration and stress was my results from the UWA study for Diabetes nutrition, I didn’t achieve the effort on the bike I new I could get, instead I felt like I failed then my blood sugar profile for the 4 days being tracked ended up being crap due to Diabetes playing its own game for the week, so then this profile wasn’t supportive of the study…urg
It was not until a few days ago I realised I had once again become my disease, I was no longer Kyle…husband, father, friend, crazy sports man, I was Type 1 Diabetes and everything that goes with it. My life revolved around 24/7 – Nutrition, bio markers, blood sugar control, reduction of Diabetes complications and life longevity and on top of that I have had other non-D life issues to deal with.
I hear you talking alot about Kyle the Type 1 Diabetic but I havnt heard you talk about Kyle the Husband, the father, the friend, your personality has become your disease and not Kyle… – Psychologist after our first session.
As you might imagine, all of this together not only added stress to my life but also made me into the asshole father I promised I would not turn out to be, telling my kids of for the most pissy little things because I was already on the edge and internally angry with the everything in my life and then of course my lovely wife cops my attitude as well.
At the beginning of last week I was able to open my eyes and see a tiny glimmer of light which allowed me to see what the cause of all this mayhem was…
…my facebook feed was all about Diabetes and diabetes related articles, I had mates with Type 1 Diabetes posting about Type 1 Diabetes issues and topics, I was enrolled in 10+ Diabetes related groups and also had 7-8 private message conversations going on with various people relating to diabetes as well as coaching parents of Type 1 Diabetes…
Sure I have non D friends, family and am in non D related groups but clearly I was not able to moderate the Diabetes information on Facebook, so I decided and within a couple of hours I set my facebook page for deletion.
So whats my point here??
Although I have been getting great results from my Diabetes Management (last weeks HbA1c was 4.9%, down from 5.2% in July), because of all the additional stress and darkness, I was not able to appreciate the positives or even recognise them (also completing a half marathon in 1 hr 49 min) and although I have an awesome supporting wife who I would be lost without, sometimes you need to talk to a mate who understands exaclty what you are going through and is not afraid to tell it to you straight whilst giving you a verbal kick up the butt.
An understanding supportive mate or network of mates is a great tool to have in your Diabetes tool kit and although it didn’t pull me right out of the dark hole at least I was given a lot more light to help me find my way, I just hope that I can one day (more than likely there will be plenty of one days) do the same thing for my mates because feeling alone in that dark hole is not a place I would even wish on my worst enemy…
If you or someone you know is experiencing dark thoughts, depression or suicide please don’t be afraid to talk to them or get in contact with a support agency because we are not super human and everyone needs some help sometime in their lives…
Lifeline – 13 11 14
beyondblue – 1300 22 4636
Alcohol and Drug Support Services – 1800 198 024
Even check out your employers Employee Assistance Provider